Nightmares and Memories

I had a pretty horrible nightmare the other night about Taylor… Twice actually, since I had the same nightmare last night… Let me tell you, that is not something I want happening again. It was too real, made it seem like it just happened yesterday, instead of almost 12 years ago… I’m trying so hard to act normal, to act like everything is okay, but lately, that’s the last thing I feel. I don’t feel “okay” at all.

The nightmare definitely had an impact on the way I have acted for the last few days. I’ve been on the edge of tears, and really anxious about everything. Things that wouldn’t usually effect me do, and I just can’t seem to feel normal.

It all started out just like that day did, April 10th, 2002. My class was headed to Outback Steakhouse to learn about Australia, and enjoy some lunch. Nine year old me, so excited to see my brother at his work, and my classmates excited to meet the guy their friend is constantly talking about.Taylor was there serving my class, but something was wrong… He was acting strange, definitely not like my brother. He was walking different, slurring his words, and just acting really abnormally. Then all the sudden, he passes out right in front of me and a few of my classmates.Now, being nine, I didn’t understand why he was acting this way, but he was drunk.. He wouldn’t wake up, he just laid there…so still. He looked like he was sleeping, but then his skin started to change color. (Since it’s a nightmare, things were kind of sped up, so the skin change happened pretty fast too.) 

I couldn’t stop screaming, crying so hard I couldn’t breathe. Then I realized that I had woken up, but I was still crying. Everything seemed too real. I just wanted to hug my big brother and know that everything was okay, that it was just a nightmare… But it wasn’t. Taylor is still gone, and I try to be as happy and normal as possible, but sometimes that fails me, and I fall apart. Like right now…

Last night after dinner, my mom, boyfriend, and I were driving home from dinner, and I asked her if she knew where a certain video (actual VHS) was, or if we even still had it. She said she wasn’t sure where it was, but even if she knew, she wouldn’t be able to play it, since we no longer have a VHS player…. I lost it. I started screaming about how that was my favorite video of Taylor, because it had clips of him talking, laughing, and dancing with me.. And all I wanted to do was watch it and feel closer to him again. Something I haven’t felt in almost 12 years.
I feel like a complete 2 year old now, for throwing a fit like that in front of my boyfriend, but I have been so shaken up by that nightmare, that I didn’t care at the time.

At work yesterday, there were four or five different times that I was reminded of my brother… His name kept popping up everywhere, and I couldn’t get away from it. Today, my boyfriend and I were driving down the highway to Fort Collins, and I happened to glance up as we passed a huge semi… TAYLOR painted on the side… I almost lost it right there in the car.

I can’t escape it anymore. I might just give up, and allow myself to be depressed for the month of February… and then again for the month of April. February 21st would be his 31st birthday, and April 10th marks 12 years since his death… I don’t like this at all. I hope I can keep it together, but I’m not making any promises….

I know Taylor wouldn’t want me to be sad, but sometimes, I just can’t help it anymore. Especially when I think about how much I miss his smile, and how much I wish he could meet my boyfriend, or be here to watch our niece and nephew grow up. Or how much I wish I could just talk to him one more time, and share what’s happened in my life lately…

Here’s  to Taylor and missing you like crazy every day. I love you, buddy.