The Story of the BB

Taylor owned an airsoft BB gun when I was younger, and I can remember hearing him shoot it when I was playing outside with my friends, or walking home from the bus stop across the field from my house. He loved that thing…. You know, it’s funny how after someone you love passes away, even the littlest things, can mean so much…

It’s been almost 12 years since my family changed, in a way that I never dreamed it would…. Ever since then, Taylor has been showing up for us in even the smallest of ways. Through the littlest things… Like the BB. We have found more BB’s in the last 12 years, than we ever had when Taylor was alive. You’re probably thinking, “okay? Why not just go buy a carton of them and keep that?” That’s a great idea, but that’s not why this story is significant to my family… The significance behind the BB’s, is where they have been found throughout the years. You see, every BB we have found, has been in an odd location.Somewhere they wouldn’t normally be, or at places that Taylor would have been with my family during special occasions, etc. My dad has a small chest that he keeps the ones that he has found in…

On the day that my sister got married to her husband Ben, the ceremony was on a beach in California…. My dad was walking her down the aisle, and happened to glance down at the sand as they were walking. There, right on the top layer of sand, was a small yellow BB. You’d think that since it was a beach, people walking on the sand would have pushed the BB down into sand, right? That’s what I thought too… But honestly, I think that was Taylor’s way of letting us know that he wouldn’t miss his big sisters’ wedding…

A couple years later, after my niece was finished opening her Christmas gifts, she was busting out her brand new, never opened friendship bracelet kit… Inside, was little yellow BB. Another gift from Taylor. See, the reason why this is such a special BB, was because the present was addressed to Faith from her Uncle Taylor, because Jess knew that Taylor would have gone all over town to find her just the right gift, because that’s just who Taylor was. He loved seeing people happy, and did so much for other people before doing anything for himself..

Tyler, (my nephew named after Uncle Taylor with slight variation), found 2 BB’s last year on his birthday. One at school on the playground, and one during our family party at an indoor skatepark where he learned some cool new tricks from the older boys skating around.

Something so small and seemingly meaningless, can mean so much to someone… and I’m so glad Taylor is still around to watch our lives change, even though he isn’t physically here. ❤

The Hardest Nights…

It’s nights like these that seem to be the hardest… Lately, every little thing sets me off, every little thing reminds me somehow of my brother…
Maybe it’s the fact that it’s almost February, which means another birthday. Followed closely by April, which just adds another year onto the length of time I have been without him. Coming up on 12 years… and it’s definitely been a tough 12 years, that’s for sure. I can’t remember the last time I actually felt like a whole person. He means so much to me, still does…. I can’t remember the last time the smile on my face has actually been 100% genuine, and lately, it’s getting even harder to pretend that nothing is wrong. February is too close, and my nerves are on edge… I don’t know how much longer it will be before I break down.

Taylor, I haven’t visited you in a long time, buddy, and I am sorry about that. On your birthday I will bring you some flowers and a balloon or two, just to celebrate you, and the person that you are, and your life here on earth with us. Maybe you can even meet my boyfriend. He’s amazing, Taylor. You would really like him. He treats me like I am someone special, and I love feeling like I am finally important to someone… It’s been a long time since I’ve felt important, buddy. You were the last person that ever made me feel that way, and you were taken from us too soon…. I guess that goes to show you that you never know how much time you have…

Taylor was only 19 years old when he died, and for me, his little sister to now be 21, and experiencing more of my own life than he ever got to…. that’s hard. Sometimes I find myself wondering who he would be if he were still here. Would he have gone on to be a firefighter, or a Marine like he had planned and dreamed to be… Or would he be a daddy, with his own children who adore him just as much as I do. I know he would love being able to watch his niece and nephew grow up and become anything they dream to be… Faith and Tyler ask about Uncle Taylor all the time, and love hearing stories about who he was.

It’s strange… When I look at Faith, I don’t see someone who would be able to come to terms with death easily. She is currently 9 years old…. The same age I was when we lost Taylor. I can remember that I was going around telling my neighbors that my brother had died, and smiling, because I was too little to comprehend the immensity of the situation, and what had just happened to my family. I can’t imagine someone as young as Faith having to deal with something like that… It’s so strange to think that I was her age when my entire life changed… My life the way I knew it, the way I was so comfortable living, was over… Someone who was such a huge part of my life was gone, and I was never going to see him, or hear his voice again…

Nights like these are hardest… When I let my mind wander to what could have been,,,, But sometimes, there’s nothing to do to stop it, so I just have to let it happen and take it in stride I guess….