Another Birthday Without You

Four days ago, we celebrated what would have been your 33rd birthday.

That seems so strange. It doesn’t seem like it has been longer than a year since you were taken from us. In reality, it has been almost 14 years…

Birthdays are supposed to be such happy occasions, celebrating another year of life. But for you, it’s different. We remember the life you lived while you were here, with the people you loved while you were here.. The smiles, the stories, we try to bring happiness to your day, just like you would want us to if you could celebrate with us. Even when it seems like the hardest thing to do. Even when the only thing I feel like doing is screaming at the sky to give you back to me..

Your niece and nephew were so excited to hear stories about you. They love and miss you so much. It breaks my heart that they never got a chance to meet you while you were here. But that doesn’t mean they can’t know you now through our stories.

Jade brought you flowers this year… I say she brought them to you, but really, she brought them to the place your body is. You are in a much better place now, and as much as I miss you, I wouldn’t change that… Even if I could. No matter how much I want you back.. It wouldn’t make sense.

My life changed the day you were taken from us… It changed the lives of everyone who knew you, everyone who loves you. But each year, on February 21st, I continue to celebrate the life of my older brother. A life that was too short in length, but there was definitely not a shortage of love.

Being your little sister for those 9 years changed my life. Losing you changed my life. I am so blessed that I got to have a brother like you for as long as I did. You are the best older brother a girl could want, and I love and miss you so much. I hope you had a great birthday this year. You are loved.

 

From the Ashes

From the Ashes

By Cassandra Webster

“What defines us is how well we rise after falling”

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It felt like I was standing on the outside looking in, watching as a little girl’s world fell apart. Wanting nothing more than to comfort her, yet being unable to move…. I stood there helpless, and when she turned around, I realized that little girl was me…

~ Rewind to about 2 hours earlier, and I will tell you how we got to this point.

April 10^th, 2002 started out like any other day, with mom coming into my bedroom to wake me up for school. Today, my 3^rd grade class was going on a field trip to Outback Steakhouse, a restaurant themed after the Outback desert in Australia. We were in the middle of studying each continent, and we spent the last week or so learning about Australia.

My older brother Taylor is 10 years older than me, and despite the age difference, I consider him my best friend. He actually had a job at Outback Steakhouse, and offered to work on the day of my field trip, even though it was supposed to be his day off. He said he wanted to be able to spend time with his little sister and meet my friends… Most teenage boys would not want to spend their day off around a bunch of nine year olds, but Taylor was different… He was excited to see me that day, and had promised to be the person to open the door for us that morning when we got to the restaurant. I was so excited for this field trip, and being able to introduce my classmates to my older brother.

My mom dropped me off in front of the school, waiting until I was able to get into my classroom before she headed on her way to work Since we were going to be having a lunch at the restaurant, our field trip was scheduled for later in the day. Until then, my classmates and I were unable to focus on our work, because we were all so excited. Once it was finally time to leave, we all climbed onto the bus, choosing our seats based on whether or not there was enough room to sit by our best friends.

Eventually (after what seemed like a long time in my 9 year old mind), our bus parked outside of the restaurant. Immediately, I wanted to get off of the bus and run to the front door… Of course I was unable to do so, because we had to wait for those in the front to get off the bus first. When I was finally able to get to the front door, it wasn’t Taylor that unlocked the door and let us in… He had promised me that he would be here, so where was he? Why wasn’t he at work?

Over and over, I kept asking his boss Andrea if he had called out sick, or if she knew where he was, why he wasn’t at work… Over and over, her answer was the same… Taylor had not called out sick, and she had no idea why he wasn’t at work… Why had he broken his promise?

We had just sat down for lunch when the phone rang. This was a phone call that had just turned my world upside-down. Andrea went to answer it, and suddenly the atmosphere in the room turned sour. It was almost like the entire world was frozen in time. The way she looked at me, the expression on her face alone was enough to tell me something was horribly wrong. She calmly hung up the phone and came over to me, trying so hard to maintain her composure. She told me that my dad was on his way to pick me up, and that I wouldn’t be returning to school that day. What in the world was going on??

Together, Andrea and I stood on the porch waiting for my dad to get there. I don’t think either of us expected to see a police car pull into the parking lot, or see my dad get out of the back seat… He walked up to me and told me we were going home, that something had happened… When I asked him what it was, all he said was:

“It’s a family emergency”

We got to the house, and I immediately jumped out of the police car and ran across the front yard and into my house, my dad following close behind. My mom was here, my dad, and even my older sister Jessica. Where was Taylor, why wasn’t he hear? He was a part of our family too, and if there’s an emergency shouldn’t he be here?

My mom and Jessie were sitting on the couch in the family room, their faces were so pale, and tears were streaming down their cheeks… My sister motioned for me to come sit down between her and mom.. My mom held my hand for a minute and then she calmly told me the words I never thought I would have to hear.

“Taylor went to Heaven last night”.

I will never forget those words… It was all coming together now… Taylor not being at work this morning, Andrea not knowing where he was… “Family emergency”… Taylor’s mint green truck being the only car that was missing from our driveway.. Taylor was gone.

Being only 9 years old when he died, I knew what Heaven was, but I couldn’t fully grasp the concept of death… I didn’t think about the fact that the last time I would ever see or hug my brother was only days earlier. I didn’t understand that he was never going to come to visit again.. I didn’t understand why I would never be able to tell my big brother I loved him, in person, ever again. My entire world was turned upside-down in as little as 10 seconds, and nothing was ever going to be the same…

The rest of that day went by in a blur. I can remember walking through my house and seeing all these people I didn’t recognize. Only being able to hear bits and pieces of the conversations going on around me, cutting through my thoughts. We had to make the funeral arrangements, and my mom had to call Andrea in order to tell her we had lost Taylor.

Mom and Jessie made their way to Alnutt funeral home to begin making the arrangements, while my dad and I headed to my school to tell the principal, counselor, and my teacher the news… Once we had finished talking to a few select people at school, dad and I also headed to the funeral home to help mom and Jessie finish up the arrangements.

One of my clearest memories from that day took place in the funeral home conference room… I can remember seeing a jar of candy in the middle of the table, reaching inside, and taking a piece. I had chosen the “Ice Blue Coolers” mint, which happened to be Taylor’s favorite candy. I can remember thinking to myself that I was going to bring it home to give Taylor.

The next few days seemed to drag on endlessly.. It took a few days for the gravity of the situation to actually sink in. The day we lost Taylor, I can remember going to all of my neighbor’s houses and telling them my brother had died. What concerned them, was that my facial expressions and how I acted did not show the emotion to fit the story. There was no sadness, no tears, just a little girl telling her neighbors that her brother had just died. My mom told me years later that every one of them called my house to make sure what I was saying was not something I had made up.

I honestly believe that going to the funeral and seeing Taylor in his casket was what it took for me to fully comprehend what had happened. My big brother, my best friend, was gone. I would never be able to see his “100 watt” smile again, the smile lit up any room. I would never be able to hug him or tell him that I love him again… My life will never be the same.

Both of my older siblings no longer lived at home, but during the first week or so after we lost Taylor, my sister stayed with us at the house, and kept me company at night. She was a great comfort during this time in our lives, and I appreciate how she was there to listen to my thoughts and cry with me when I needed it the most…

You know, it’s strange to me that I have been telling this story for the last 13 years, and even so, each time I share it with someone, I remember new details. There are so many emotions mixed inside the words and actions of that day, and this is something that will always be engraved in my memory.

My family doesn’t know all of the details surrounding the night Taylor died, but what we do know is this:

Taylor and three of his friends had just moved into my grandma’s old house. My parents had decided to rent it to them when my grandma bought a new house closer to our own. They definitely enjoyed the freedom of living on their own. Tim Martin, Curtis Gaymon, and Lindsey knew all shared the house with Taylor… Their neighbors next door were 21 years old, and loved to party and have fun. Jeff Lopez is a name that I will remember for the rest of my life. He is the person who supplied the alcohol for my brother and his friends that night, even though he knew they were underage. It was Tuesday, April 9^th 2002.

After Taylor and his friends had gotten home from work, Jeff and his roommates met them at their house and the party began. Now being that it was just my brother, his friends, and a few neighbors, it wasn’t technically a “party”, it was really just a few friends getting together to play drinking games on a Tuesday night. Just a fun way to wind down from a busy day.

Taylor’s friends have all said they weren’t exactly sure how much he drank that night, they estimated somewhere around 10-15 shots in all. They also estimated the time frame between his first shot and his last… Taylor was just having fun with his friends… Little did he know, that fun would soon turn deadly. Half-way through the night, they decided to head upstairs to the den and watch a movie. They chose to watch the movie “Me, Myself, and Irene” according to Tim Martin.

The police report said that Taylor ended up passing out behind the couch somewhere close to the middle of the movie. His friends thought he would just “sleep it off” that night and be back to his normal, goofy self the next morning. Nobody could ever have thought that by that time, Taylor would already be gone.

Jeff and his friends left when the movie ended, because it was getting late, and they all had to work in the morning. Taylor’s roommates were debating whether or not to move him to his bed for the night, or leave him in his spot behind the couch.

Taylor died at 3:30 AM on Wednesday, April 10^th 2002 – Nobody noticed him still laying behind the couch until later that morning when Tim got up to get ready for work. He had just finished a shower and was getting dressed etc, when he noticed Taylor lying behind the couch in the same position they left him in from the night before. It wasn’t until Tim got a little closer to Taylor, that he noticed his skin was discolored, and that he had not moved at all.

The police report said that Tim immediately began doing CPR after calling 911, and once the paramedics arrived, they actually had to physically move Tim away from Taylor, telling him it was too late… Taylor was already gone.

Taylor was the best older brother anyone could ever ask for, and I wouldn’t trade the 9 years I got to spend with him for anything in this world. He was the type of guy who would go out of his way to do anything for anyone. His “100 watt” smile was bright enough to light up an entire room. Whenever you were in a room with Taylor, you couldn’t help but be happy. Taylor had a very positive affect on the people around him. He aspired to become a firefighter, and he was going to be a Marine. He was actually scheduled to head to boot camp 10 days after he died, on April 20^th.

It breaks my heart that someone so young with such a bright future ahead of him was taken from us so soon. Nineteen years old is too young to die. Parents should never have to bury their children, it’s just not fair. Nobody deserves to die before they have a change to really live…

While Taylor was growing up, he used to tell my mom that he had no interest in alcohol and was not as involved in the party scene like his friends. On the rare occasion that Taylor did go out to party, Jessie would go as well, in order to keep a watchful eye on he and his friends.

Jess has told me multiple times, that she and Taylor used to talk about alcohol and the consequences of binge drinking often. Taylor would always tell her that he knew his limits, and he wasn’t going to become just another teen to lose their life to binge drinking. He was so sure that it was never going to happen to him. However, after one night of drinking with friends, Taylor was taken from us…. All due to the alcohol poisoning caused by binge drinking.

My life was changed in the blink of an eye, and would never be the same again…

“Depression – The feeling of drowning while everyone around you is breathing…”

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Have you ever been in so much pain emotionally that you just shut down? That if you could somehow find the words to describe the thoughts going through your mind, nobody would care anyway? It’s like you’re trapped, locked inside your own mind and no matter how hard you try you are unable to escape.

After Taylor died, I can vividly remember feeling my entire world flip upside-down. It was like a huge tornado threw itself into my life, destroying everything in it’s path. I shut down, and became very reserved. I felt like nobody else could understand the hell that I was going through. It was like a horrible nightmare, and I just couldn’t wake up. None of my friends knew what it was like to lose a sibling, someone that I considered my best friend, and because of this, they didn’t know why a certain scent or even a song would upset me to the point of tears… They couldn’t understand why I could no longer go to certain places without a flood of memories crowding my thoughts. Those memories would keep me awake night after night, and the distraction of friends and school was not enough anymore.

Depression set in like a ton of bricks, and I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders, destroying me more and more each day. People kept telling me to “just snap out of it”, but depression is not that simple. It’s not something you can just snap out of. It’s a constant battle you are fighting, and it seems like there no end in sight. The opponent, and the one thing you fear the most, is your own mind.

There are days when something is upsetting me, but I’m not able to pinpoint the exact cause. Yes, losing Taylor is a big factor in my depression, but there is more behind it. Depression is a lot more than just being sad. It’s like you are crawling through a dark tunnel and can see the light in the distance, but each time you get closer, it just moves further and further away. There are times when I feel completely lost, hopeless, and like nothing I do or say matters… It’s a prison, really, and my mind is keeping me in handcuffs…

“We are all addicted to something that takes the pain away.”

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I remember the first time I skipped a meal… How it made me feel so powerful and in control. I had finally found something that helped me to feel normal again. You know what’s strange? The euphoria you feel when you have eaten nothing but a granola bar for 2 days. You should feel weak and absolutely horrible, but instead, you feel invincible, like nothing can stand in your way.

My friends didn’t seem to care anymore. It’s like I was a broken doll that nobody wanted anymore, thrown away like a piece of garbage. I felt like nobody wanted to be around me… Depression isolates you and makes you feel incredibly worthless. The thoughts in my head caused me to feel like everyone was going to leave me, so in return I would push away the family and friends that really did genuinely care about me. I thought I would be saving myself from feeling the abandonment and the hurt that depression causes, but it was only causing me to hate myself more.

Food became my enemy, and I would do anything I could to avoid it. “I already ate”, “my stomach has been upset” – any excuse to avoid the unwanted calories and dreaded weight gain. It’s so hard when your own body, your own thoughts, become your worst enemy. Tormented every day by the thoughts that I wasn’t good enough, wasn’t beautiful enough, and wasn’t worth enough to be loved. Food gave me a sense of power when I felt as if everything was spiraling out of control. It was like just being able to control one thing made it seem like everything would be okay. The euphoria disappeared after a while, and that is when the demon that is anorexia took hold.

“You know you’ve given up when you start believing your own lies…”

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It became a struggle to even get out of bed in the morning…. There didn’t seem to be a real point anymore. The thoughts in my mind were slowly dragging me down, and I was losing the strength to fight. Why fight when you already know you’re going to lose?

Those thoughts became reality, and I couldn’t handle the pain anymore. Most of my friends left me, and my family didn’t understand.

Medication after medication, they said it’s just a phase and that I’d be fine eventually. The medication worked for a while, numbing my senses and my emotions, so that nothing would become too overwhelming for me to handle. I continued to isolate myself from friends and family. They did their best to understand, but it continued to feel like everyone was giving up on me.

“Even though the cut is long gone, the pain still lingers”

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The first time I cut myself, I was 14 years old. Disoriented by the thoughts and emotions raging inside my mind. I couldn’t let anyone see that I was trapped inside this personal hell, fearing that I would scare them away.

The first time I took a blade to my skin, I just wanted all of the torment to end. I remember the sting – followed by an immediate sense of relief. I had finally found something to stop the emotional pain that I was feeling. I felt like I could breathe again… I know it sounds strange when I say that I was relieved to have found self-harm as a release, but at that point in time, it was true.

People like myself who suffer from self-harm, find it easier to cause themselves physical pain rather than dealing with the emotional pain. I had been told that emotional pain is seen as a sign of weakness, and I could not allow myself to be weak anymore. Physical pain is something that can be controlled, emotional pain takes over – like an all-consuming fire that you just can’t escape. Being able to find a sense of control when everything seems so damaged, is incredibly important. Now that I had found that control, there was no going back.

For 5 years, my battle with anorexia and self-harm took hold of my life. Consumed by these addictions: by the fear of food, and the terror I would feel if somebody were to touch my arms. Would they see my scars? Would they even care, or would the girl with the scars on her arms just end up scaring another person away?

The year that I turned 19 was so intimidating to me. This year I would be older than my brother ever got to be. By this point, my self-harm had become my best friend but also my worst enemy, and anorexia had robbed me of energy and happiness. I felt like I was losing the battle, and nobody cared. Every insult, every little mistake, caused a scar, or brought on excuses for why I was skipping meals…

My own family had alienated me at this point, and even my mom thought that I was only doing these things for attention. You know, God forbid your other daughter, your youngest, may actually be depressed. No, in her eyes I was only seeking attention. It had gotten to the point where

self-harm was the only thing that motivated me to get through the day. It was the one thing I held onto. One time to make it through the day, and again at night to help me calm the nightmares.

“Nobody ever said that recovery was going to be easy, but it is possible”

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Fast forward one year – age 20. I had just gotten a new job at a call center, and even though I am still struggling slightly at this point, things are beginning to look up. This is where I met Philip, an amazing, genuine, goofy, loving guy who easily became my best friend and not long after that, my boyfriend. I am one lucky girl!

It feels so nice to be important to someone again, to be genuinely loved by someone… Phil has shown me so much love and compassion. He has shown me what it means to be happy again, and has helped me to realize that I am beautiful, inside and out. He has proven to me that I am not defined my my past or my mistakes. The thing is, I don’t know that he even realizes how much of an impact he has made, just by loving me for who I am. How much I love him, and how blessed I am to have him by my side.

I am so much happier now, and I am proud to say I’ve been self-harm free for 8 months now. I am incredibly thankful for my friends and family members that have inspired me to recover. And to Taylor: the best older brother a girl could have.

I am so blessed to have had 9 years that I got to spend with him. I am so thankful for all of the things he taught me growing up, and for the things that he continues to teach me every day.

I will never forget you, Taylor, I can’t. But it’s time to let this go, time to move on from the tragedy of your death, and live life the way you would want me to live it… Without guilt and regret, but happily and full of compassion, remembering that my past does not define me.

Life Experiences

I just turned 21 in November. It’s so weird to think that right now, I am older than Taylor got to be.

I promised myself I would never drink, because of what happened to Taylor, but I have to admit that I have a couple times. It’s not as bad as I thought it would be… It is fun.. As long as you’re responsible with it, and don’t overdo it, I’m okay with someone I love drinking or drinking myself. The one thing that still bugs me, is hearing conversations like “dude, I was so hammered last night, it was so funny” or “I can’t believe how drunk I was last night” Yeah, I know it’s a part of peoples’ lives, hell, it’s a part of mine too now, but those conversations… they still get to me, and I feel like crying every time I hear someone laughing about how drunk they got with their friends the night before. Sometimes I just want to scream at the top of my lungs, and tell people how idiotic they are being, to allow themselves to get so smashed that they don’t remember who/where they are, or how they got there. I just want to tell them that they need to be careful, because they never know when something will happen, and they (or someone they know) might get hurt, or worse. I don’t want anyone else going through what myself and my family have gone through. It’s not something I would recommend for anyone.

Losing someone you love, hurts. Losing someone so young, in the prime of their lives, right before they really become who they want to be… that sucks, not gonna sugar coat it. Sugar coating death doesn’t work. It happens, it sucks, and my family and I are living proof that “it can happen to you” Taylor always thought he wasn’t going to be the one to get “that drunk” at a party, never believed he would get drunk enough to cause major damage to his body… Just enough to have fun with friends, that’s all he wanted.. to have fun, But one night of fun ended in tragedy, when it did happen to him, and he ended up never waking up again..

Taylor and I have a niece and nephew, Faith and Tyler. They are growing up so fast, it’s insane. I know Taylor would love to be able to be here watching them grow up, rather than having to do so from somewhere where he can’t really interact with them, or any of us anymore. And I know they would love to be able to share their lives with Taylor, too. The big things, like Tyler learning a new skateboard trick, or losing a tooth.. Faith learning to read, or her first sleep over… Or the little things, Faith telling stories the way she does, or Tyler playing catch in the back yard… I know these are all things Taylor would have loved to be a part of, and it sucks that he can’t actually be here to do so….

Life is so different without him, as we are all getting older and experiencing new and exciting things….

Nightmares and Memories

I had a pretty horrible nightmare the other night about Taylor… Twice actually, since I had the same nightmare last night… Let me tell you, that is not something I want happening again. It was too real, made it seem like it just happened yesterday, instead of almost 12 years ago… I’m trying so hard to act normal, to act like everything is okay, but lately, that’s the last thing I feel. I don’t feel “okay” at all.

The nightmare definitely had an impact on the way I have acted for the last few days. I’ve been on the edge of tears, and really anxious about everything. Things that wouldn’t usually effect me do, and I just can’t seem to feel normal.

It all started out just like that day did, April 10th, 2002. My class was headed to Outback Steakhouse to learn about Australia, and enjoy some lunch. Nine year old me, so excited to see my brother at his work, and my classmates excited to meet the guy their friend is constantly talking about.Taylor was there serving my class, but something was wrong… He was acting strange, definitely not like my brother. He was walking different, slurring his words, and just acting really abnormally. Then all the sudden, he passes out right in front of me and a few of my classmates.Now, being nine, I didn’t understand why he was acting this way, but he was drunk.. He wouldn’t wake up, he just laid there…so still. He looked like he was sleeping, but then his skin started to change color. (Since it’s a nightmare, things were kind of sped up, so the skin change happened pretty fast too.) 

I couldn’t stop screaming, crying so hard I couldn’t breathe. Then I realized that I had woken up, but I was still crying. Everything seemed too real. I just wanted to hug my big brother and know that everything was okay, that it was just a nightmare… But it wasn’t. Taylor is still gone, and I try to be as happy and normal as possible, but sometimes that fails me, and I fall apart. Like right now…

Last night after dinner, my mom, boyfriend, and I were driving home from dinner, and I asked her if she knew where a certain video (actual VHS) was, or if we even still had it. She said she wasn’t sure where it was, but even if she knew, she wouldn’t be able to play it, since we no longer have a VHS player…. I lost it. I started screaming about how that was my favorite video of Taylor, because it had clips of him talking, laughing, and dancing with me.. And all I wanted to do was watch it and feel closer to him again. Something I haven’t felt in almost 12 years.
I feel like a complete 2 year old now, for throwing a fit like that in front of my boyfriend, but I have been so shaken up by that nightmare, that I didn’t care at the time.

At work yesterday, there were four or five different times that I was reminded of my brother… His name kept popping up everywhere, and I couldn’t get away from it. Today, my boyfriend and I were driving down the highway to Fort Collins, and I happened to glance up as we passed a huge semi… TAYLOR painted on the side… I almost lost it right there in the car.

I can’t escape it anymore. I might just give up, and allow myself to be depressed for the month of February… and then again for the month of April. February 21st would be his 31st birthday, and April 10th marks 12 years since his death… I don’t like this at all. I hope I can keep it together, but I’m not making any promises….

I know Taylor wouldn’t want me to be sad, but sometimes, I just can’t help it anymore. Especially when I think about how much I miss his smile, and how much I wish he could meet my boyfriend, or be here to watch our niece and nephew grow up. Or how much I wish I could just talk to him one more time, and share what’s happened in my life lately…

Here’s  to Taylor and missing you like crazy every day. I love you, buddy.

The Story of the BB

Taylor owned an airsoft BB gun when I was younger, and I can remember hearing him shoot it when I was playing outside with my friends, or walking home from the bus stop across the field from my house. He loved that thing…. You know, it’s funny how after someone you love passes away, even the littlest things, can mean so much…

It’s been almost 12 years since my family changed, in a way that I never dreamed it would…. Ever since then, Taylor has been showing up for us in even the smallest of ways. Through the littlest things… Like the BB. We have found more BB’s in the last 12 years, than we ever had when Taylor was alive. You’re probably thinking, “okay? Why not just go buy a carton of them and keep that?” That’s a great idea, but that’s not why this story is significant to my family… The significance behind the BB’s, is where they have been found throughout the years. You see, every BB we have found, has been in an odd location.Somewhere they wouldn’t normally be, or at places that Taylor would have been with my family during special occasions, etc. My dad has a small chest that he keeps the ones that he has found in…

On the day that my sister got married to her husband Ben, the ceremony was on a beach in California…. My dad was walking her down the aisle, and happened to glance down at the sand as they were walking. There, right on the top layer of sand, was a small yellow BB. You’d think that since it was a beach, people walking on the sand would have pushed the BB down into sand, right? That’s what I thought too… But honestly, I think that was Taylor’s way of letting us know that he wouldn’t miss his big sisters’ wedding…

A couple years later, after my niece was finished opening her Christmas gifts, she was busting out her brand new, never opened friendship bracelet kit… Inside, was little yellow BB. Another gift from Taylor. See, the reason why this is such a special BB, was because the present was addressed to Faith from her Uncle Taylor, because Jess knew that Taylor would have gone all over town to find her just the right gift, because that’s just who Taylor was. He loved seeing people happy, and did so much for other people before doing anything for himself..

Tyler, (my nephew named after Uncle Taylor with slight variation), found 2 BB’s last year on his birthday. One at school on the playground, and one during our family party at an indoor skatepark where he learned some cool new tricks from the older boys skating around.

Something so small and seemingly meaningless, can mean so much to someone… and I’m so glad Taylor is still around to watch our lives change, even though he isn’t physically here. ❤

The Hardest Nights…

It’s nights like these that seem to be the hardest… Lately, every little thing sets me off, every little thing reminds me somehow of my brother…
Maybe it’s the fact that it’s almost February, which means another birthday. Followed closely by April, which just adds another year onto the length of time I have been without him. Coming up on 12 years… and it’s definitely been a tough 12 years, that’s for sure. I can’t remember the last time I actually felt like a whole person. He means so much to me, still does…. I can’t remember the last time the smile on my face has actually been 100% genuine, and lately, it’s getting even harder to pretend that nothing is wrong. February is too close, and my nerves are on edge… I don’t know how much longer it will be before I break down.

Taylor, I haven’t visited you in a long time, buddy, and I am sorry about that. On your birthday I will bring you some flowers and a balloon or two, just to celebrate you, and the person that you are, and your life here on earth with us. Maybe you can even meet my boyfriend. He’s amazing, Taylor. You would really like him. He treats me like I am someone special, and I love feeling like I am finally important to someone… It’s been a long time since I’ve felt important, buddy. You were the last person that ever made me feel that way, and you were taken from us too soon…. I guess that goes to show you that you never know how much time you have…

Taylor was only 19 years old when he died, and for me, his little sister to now be 21, and experiencing more of my own life than he ever got to…. that’s hard. Sometimes I find myself wondering who he would be if he were still here. Would he have gone on to be a firefighter, or a Marine like he had planned and dreamed to be… Or would he be a daddy, with his own children who adore him just as much as I do. I know he would love being able to watch his niece and nephew grow up and become anything they dream to be… Faith and Tyler ask about Uncle Taylor all the time, and love hearing stories about who he was.

It’s strange… When I look at Faith, I don’t see someone who would be able to come to terms with death easily. She is currently 9 years old…. The same age I was when we lost Taylor. I can remember that I was going around telling my neighbors that my brother had died, and smiling, because I was too little to comprehend the immensity of the situation, and what had just happened to my family. I can’t imagine someone as young as Faith having to deal with something like that… It’s so strange to think that I was her age when my entire life changed… My life the way I knew it, the way I was so comfortable living, was over… Someone who was such a huge part of my life was gone, and I was never going to see him, or hear his voice again…

Nights like these are hardest… When I let my mind wander to what could have been,,,, But sometimes, there’s nothing to do to stop it, so I just have to let it happen and take it in stride I guess….

Another Day Without You

I’ve been missing Taylor a lot, lately… Not sure if it’s the holidays, or if it’s something deeper dragging me down… But whatever it is, I don’t like it…
I can’t even begin to express what I feel in words… All I know, is that it’s times like these when I wish I could just…cry. Taylor was such an amazing person, and big brother, and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to have him back. Even if it is just for one more day. Just to be able to tell him one more time how much I love him… Just to feel his warm hugs, see his beautiful smile. I want to be able to hear his voice again, hear his laugh….

It all seems too real again… I don’t like this at all. I miss him so much… More and more every day. The world isn’t the same without him here… I can’t believe it’s been as long as it has… It’s unreal… Yet too real at the same time. I just can’t take this anymore… I miss my big brother, and I wish there was somebody who could understand…

New tattoo for Taylor :)

Wherever You Will Go-The Calling

Wherever You Will Go-The Calling

This song reminds me so much of my brother, so I thought I would share it with you. I know Taylor would definitely do anything he could to come back to me, if it was possible… I know he would turn back time if he could… But I also know that he is with me in my heart and in my mind… So this song is dedicated to my big brother!

I love you, buddy!

Words…

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eZku7yyALbc%5D

There’s a song called “Words” by Skylar Grey, and I’ve been listening to it a lot lately.
It reminds me so much of everything I’ve gone through since Taylor left us. Everything I wish I would have said, the regret that I have for not saying those things, and how much I wish he could be here again. Even if it’s just for one more day… Just so I could talk to him in person, and have a conversation with him about life… That’s what I have longed for lately. Just to be able to talk to him again. I daydream all the time about just getting in a car with him and driving until there’s no gas left..talking the whole way to our final destination… I know that sounds lame, but I would give anything to just be able to do that with him…

There’s a line in the song, that says “I haven’t been all that you could have hoped for… But if you’d held on a little longer, you’d have more reasons to be proud”

Now, Taylor died of alcohol poisoning, but I feel like this line says so much about my feelings right now.. I have always wanted to make Taylor proud. That’s one of the only things I want in my life. Even now that he’s gone. I want him to be able to look down on me, and say “I’m proud of you, little sister”.. But with everything I’ve done to myself, everything I’ve gone through, I don’t feel like he is anymore… And that tears me apart.

But the good part is that I have stopped cutting myself, and I’m trying to eat better.. Not saying I’m cured of my eating disorder, but I’m trying…. So maybe he is proud of me after all? I hope so… Because having him in my life was/and still is the best thing that ever happened to me, and I am trying my best to keep his memory alive through the things I say and do… I know cutting and starving myself aren’t the best ways to do that, but that part of it is my doing. Those are my mistakes, not his.
Everything else is/will be to keep his memory alive.

Taylor Conrad… You are so special to me. Always have been, always will be. And nothing can ever change that. I know there are things I’ve done that you wouldn’t appreciate, but I know you love me anyways. That’s what big brothers do, right?

I feel like our bond as brother and sister was a pretty amazing one. I know you would do anything for me… You would do anything you could for anyone you loved… Thank you for being the best brother a girl could ask for. It means so much to me that I was able to have you in my life for the short 9 years that I did. (I know I say that a lot in this blog, but it’s true). I miss you every day, and think of you all the time.

It makes me so sad to hear my friends say “I hate my brother” or “I wish I didn’t have a brother”, or other things to that effect… Because I know what it’s like not to have a brother.. It is the worst pain I have ever felt. Taylor and I fought and he annoyed me to no end, but that’s what brothers and sisters do. They fight, they pick, they nag, they piss you off, but the pain of losing a sibling is something I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Even my worst enemy. I’m not that kind of person. I can’t stand to see people hurting…

Words… There are so many things left unsaid… Too many. So, if anyone reads this blog, and I hope people do.. Please-don’t take anything or anyone in your life for granted. Tell people you love them, tell them how much they mean to you. Give them kiss, high-five, or a hug… Because even the smallest gesture can change a life, and you never know when the last time you will see that person is. I learned that the hard way… My whole family did. And it’s not something I want any of you to have to go through.

Psalm 23